dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
