I will die if light touches me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
