You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
