She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
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I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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