maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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