she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
