he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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