WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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