i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Randomize
