seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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