So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.