Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
There's even glitter on my cock...
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