i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Is it because I queefed?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
