You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
