Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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