It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You have to summon your inner elephant
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
