Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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