Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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