Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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