So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
