he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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