I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
