I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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