I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
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i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
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I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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