Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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