i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
