Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
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For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
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It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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