Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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