Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
