So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
