so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
