she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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