I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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