tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
