Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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