the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
