Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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