Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
