I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
