I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
