so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
