If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
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we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
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Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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