Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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