I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
