I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
