my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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