if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
