what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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