I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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