Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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