So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
