how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There's always time for handjobs
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
