It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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