I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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