im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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