i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
