Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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