And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.