Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
