New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We need a shit load of segways right now
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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